Recovering Hope Addict

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship

from the article:

"People often get addicted to hope: The hope that the person will change, adds Jeanne McKeon, EdD, a psychologist at the Center for Addictive Medicine at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston. "Before anything can change, you first have to deal with that addiction to hope. You have to start setting limits. You have to figure out a plan to change things; one that makes sense. Then move through those steps -- not allowing any backpedaling.""

I am a recovering hope addict. It sounds very cruel to not hope for a person to make a positive change... but what is it that I hope for when I hope a person will change? My hope is that they will change in some way that is pleasing to me... Give me the dream relationship... if ONLY they would do X then we would be happy! Hell, I do X, Y and Z for them!

My "hope" fuels controlling behaviors. 

Moving away and letting go of the hope that people will change for me frees up new emotional resources that allow for true hope. Wanting people to be happy in themselves. When I was with an alcoholic, I hoped she would change. I wanted to marry her. I still have feelings of "in love" for her. 

Leaving her was the best thing I could do for her. With my controlling hope and coddling, I had no chance to help her find joy in her life.

I need to focus on myself. I have hope for myself now. Hope that I can find joy and happiness. With that strength, I can give the people in my life who are there for me... the love and presence they need from me.

People who are abusive, manipulative and addicted need to fall in order to find their way. I have fallen so many times... it always helps me. I will let them fall and hopefully they will find joy without me. 

I truly hope they will find joy on their own . That is the only way for them to find it. I will choose to be close with people who seek their own joy from now on.

I desire to be a martyr no more.

All Is Full Of Love

This song by Bjork has been an emotional mainstay for me over the past two weeks. It fist I thought it was another song directed at narcissists... but instead, I listened to it... is actually a song for people like me, Bjork or my most beloved friends.

She lets people know... who feel so much love and often feel so unloved that love is there. The song says to look elsewhere for the love we too often seek from people who are self centered and just feign love to get what they want.

It is also an invitation to seek love from people who can really give it to us. According to the functional cognitive type models... we seek love more as a treasure that we must find and dig out. We devote our energy and hope to find this love from people who not only do not give us the treasure map to their hearts... but give us a fake one with an ever moving "x marks the spot". The directions you are staring at.

The love is there. It is all around us... right there to have. We just need to connect our phone and say "hello". Open our doors...

I am on the line... is anyone ready to answer?

I know I am loved. I value that love deeply.

My love is also valuable... who values that which is given and not hidden? Often what people want you to think their love is hidden but instead it does not exist. It is a fake carrot. The source you have poured yourself into.

The lyrics:

you'll be given love
you'll be taken care of
you'll be given love
you have to trust it

maybe not from the sources
you have poured yours
maybe not from the directions
you are staring at

trust your head around
it's all around you
all is full of love
all around you

all is full of love
you just aint receiving
all is full of love
your phone is off the hook
all is full of love
your doors are all shut
all is full of love!

all is full of love
all is full of love
all is full of love
all is full of love
all is full of love

Dreams

I had interesting dreams last night.

I dreamt I was living in an apartment in a building slated for demolition. The rooms were Victorian and it was clear I was the first inhabitant in many years. I was against the demolition. I went to the place they took big things to be demolished. It was a wheel under the ground that the base of the building was affixed. The building or other large object was then rotated into the shredder. I saw them do a building then a stern wheeler ship... they emerged as cubes. Aspen's name was mentioned in this dream as some I could go to help me fight the demolishers... he was head of a "recycle don't demolish" movement. Pretty radical stuff in the world of that dream.

The second dream I had was at the coast visiting a relative/friend I do not know in the non-dream realm. My childhood dog "Ruffles Arf Ruff" was there (I sure was a good dog namer). This person owned ruffles. She was a salty character. The house was white. She told me Bettina had visited with her new boyfriend "Farik" and they left the door open allowing the dog to escape. Bettina's boyfriend did not last with her... he was "young, naive, and too in love" to last. She ground him down pretty quickly.

We went to the fair and I stopped at a place where they sold lots of leather goods including some interesting fetish gear. I sat down. A woman in a yellow shirt with white short shorts was teasing the guys. She pulled up her top revealing many tattoos and put her chest in my face and squeezed her breasts together. I was chewing bubble gum. A string of it got stuck to one of her breasts. She was not pleased and said ooooooooo and walked away. I tried to dig up some feeling about this whole situation but could not. I decided to get rid of the bubble gum. It kept coming out... some endless wad of the stuff.

I drove with my relative along the coast and looked down at houses. I decided that I would build a house if I could there in Tillamook.

In the non dream world...

I have my first "date" since leaving Bettina. I know the girl from the meditation weekends. She is very nice (not that any of the "nice telling" instinct is at all to be trusted in me). She is pretty and a bit young. She teaches parents who speak only Spanish how to connect with authorities and get social services for their family. She speaks Spanish fluently. I can tell she has some passion in her. (I have decided that is the "passion telling" instinct that works better in me... People who have no real creative or caring passion are often manipulative).

Who knows where it would go. I hope a friendship will blossom out of it. I really need one on one, face to face, open time with someone these days. That time where people focus on each other. I am so odd on so many levels... I hope that can happen at some point.

RIP Bettie Page

What can I say? She was brave enough to open sexuality up in the prudish 50's. We all owe her a debt of gratitude.

More on Exertion

I got an e-mail from a fellow Sangha member (Ann Cason) about my refuge name. I can see my most difficult challenge... The second one.

My emotions are like a beautiful woman saying "come hither for nice little fuck".
I am horribly seduced by them.


From Ann:
I checked the 1974 seminary transcript which says that the fourth bhumi is called otrowa which means radiating light. Exertion is the kind of hard work that comes from joy. The general heading of the practice of exertion is humility or transcending pride.

There are 5 types of exertion.

The first is called the exertion of armour. The radiating light is an armour of willingness to see through yourself completely and not stop half way through.

The second is the exertion of effort which means that you practice not being seduced by your emotions.

The third is the continual awareness kind of exertion.

The fourth is immovable exertion. The example he uses is that if your wife dies, or you inherit a billion dollars, you stay steady and finally

The fifth exertion is transcending pride. You don't pat yourself on the back to show how much you have exerted yourself.

The Truth

The truth so often hurts.
I would rather hurt someone I love with the truth than let them suffer in blindness.

The Frog Rule

Frog, oh frog
I hear you croaking in the bushes
But when I look for you
I look for you
You are silent

Lover, dear lover
I hear your heart when you lay next to me
But when I need it
I need it
It is silent